How was your weekend?

Entering the office on a Monday, co-workers repeatedly ask, "how was your weekend?" "what did you do?" and "did you have a nice weekend?"

I have to admit, ever since having a child, these questions get under my skin. "Yes!" I gush, "I had a GREAT weekend!" In my head "nothing....I did nothing, except take care of my son, make sure he ate, napped, had fun, was entertained, was safe." 

What kind of mother has these negative thoughts? I feel like a terrible person. Of course I enjoy spending time with my little guy, watching him grow, playing with him. What I don't enjoy is the inability to get anything else done, clean my house, or actually sit down and watch a movie or take a nap myself. 

On Saturdays my husband goes to work, and I'm on duty. I spent most of this past Saturday riding a pendulum, swinging between the highs of loving life, loving my son, loving being a mom....and the lows of feeling like I was doing nothing with my life, like I was tied to an anchor, like I was bored. 

I hear him put together a sentence - I'm elated, and in awe of his little brain. I tickle him and watch him roll around on the floor, his musical little giggles filling the room with joy. How can I experience this, and not feel completely, fully, filled with happiness?? This is when the guilt takes over and I am instead filled with self-loathing. Why am I such a terrible mother? 

Sunday was better...my husband was home, we saw some friends, and I had some time to be an adult. I ended up going through my maternity clothes to donate some to a friend who is newly pregnant. The whole experience left me conflicted and confused. Sometimes I really do want another child. I want the magic and mystery of carrying a baby again, I want the excitement and new space in my heart built just for that little one. Then I remember how difficult the first few months were, the sleep-deprivation, and the sadness. I think about how now, almost two years later, I still feel a bit 'messed-up' for lack of better words. 

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post today. I just feel like venting, rambling, and getting it out there. I'm still not brave enough to share my blog on social networks, so no one is really reading this yet. But it's somewhat therapeutic just to write my feelings. 

Thanks for listening, internet....