a new year

Before I was a mother, I was a singer. Before I was a mother, I was a teacher. Before I was a mother, I loved studying, writing, reading, and long debates over tall pints of beer. I grew up in dance classes, listening to show tunes, and dreaming of being on stage. I followed politics, and had a huge, bleeding heart for social causes and animal welfare. I was a vegetarian for 7 years, sang in a chamber ensemble, and became obsessed with Zumba. I liked new challenges, and became a marathon finisher. I wanted to change the world - well, if not the world, at least my community. I decided to study nonprofit management so that I could use my passion and desire to work hard to make a difference. I developed deep friendships, had a wonderful marriage, and the best fat cat anyone could ever ask for. 10 years went by before my husband and I had our son. I was ready for this next stage in my life, but I vastly underestimated how hard it would be on me, mentally and emotionally. 

Now I have an amazing little boy, who is almost 2 years old. I love him more every day - in a way that I could never fully explain. He amazes me with his intelligence, his humor, and his honesty. Raising a child has made me re-discover parts of myself long hidden, and it challenges me in new and unexpected ways. 

I struggled immensely during the first 3 months of his life. I knew I was dealing with some type of postpartum depression, but I started to feel like I was emerging from underwater after this 'newborn' stage. Since then, my emotions and stability seem to ebb and flow. I still have days where the old anxiety of the early months starts to rear its ugly head, and I have days where I just feel deeply sad and lonely. This is the first time in my life where I really feel that these emotions spin out of control. I've always been the one who has everything together. I'm organized, rational, and stable. So when I understand that my life is good, when I see the joy in my son's face, when I feel the support of my husband - and yet still drown in sadness - this is just not like me. 

In the end, I just don't have a sense of identity anymore. I am a mom, and that always comes first. It's tough to remember or make a point to do something for myself. I don't have time or resources to delve back into music or dance at the moment, and I have been unsuccessful in seeking satisfaction at work. Hence, this blog. As someone who used to keep a journal, I'm starting here. I think sharing some of my thoughts will help in a therapeutic sense, and I hope that others will read this and find some peace knowing they are not alone if they share these feelings. 

Happy new year, and thank you for reading.