just get out there

Since my son was born, finding time to 'exercise' has been a huge challenge. When I do have an opportunity to take some time for myself, about 80% of the time I'm tired or feel the need to fill it with some other activity. 

Then on a morning like today, I get outside, go for a jog/walk, clear my mind, and wind up with a clear head and a positive outlook. It would be awesome to get back into shape and fit into my wardrobe again, sure...but most of all I miss the endorphin high. I miss feeling super strong, healthy, and accomplished. Obviously chasing around a 2-year old takes energy - but you are giving of yourself in a completely different way. 

Next time I feel too tired to get out there... I must remember this quote. 

How was your weekend?

Entering the office on a Monday, co-workers repeatedly ask, "how was your weekend?" "what did you do?" and "did you have a nice weekend?"

I have to admit, ever since having a child, these questions get under my skin. "Yes!" I gush, "I had a GREAT weekend!" In my head "nothing....I did nothing, except take care of my son, make sure he ate, napped, had fun, was entertained, was safe." 

What kind of mother has these negative thoughts? I feel like a terrible person. Of course I enjoy spending time with my little guy, watching him grow, playing with him. What I don't enjoy is the inability to get anything else done, clean my house, or actually sit down and watch a movie or take a nap myself. 

On Saturdays my husband goes to work, and I'm on duty. I spent most of this past Saturday riding a pendulum, swinging between the highs of loving life, loving my son, loving being a mom....and the lows of feeling like I was doing nothing with my life, like I was tied to an anchor, like I was bored. 

I hear him put together a sentence - I'm elated, and in awe of his little brain. I tickle him and watch him roll around on the floor, his musical little giggles filling the room with joy. How can I experience this, and not feel completely, fully, filled with happiness?? This is when the guilt takes over and I am instead filled with self-loathing. Why am I such a terrible mother? 

Sunday was better...my husband was home, we saw some friends, and I had some time to be an adult. I ended up going through my maternity clothes to donate some to a friend who is newly pregnant. The whole experience left me conflicted and confused. Sometimes I really do want another child. I want the magic and mystery of carrying a baby again, I want the excitement and new space in my heart built just for that little one. Then I remember how difficult the first few months were, the sleep-deprivation, and the sadness. I think about how now, almost two years later, I still feel a bit 'messed-up' for lack of better words. 

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post today. I just feel like venting, rambling, and getting it out there. I'm still not brave enough to share my blog on social networks, so no one is really reading this yet. But it's somewhat therapeutic just to write my feelings. 

Thanks for listening, internet....

Yup....

I came back to work today after a long vacation. I felt bad leaving my little guy behind, but also felt bad that I wanted to get back to the world of adult-ing. I wonder if other mom's feel so mentally and emotionally exhausted sometimes that the world just seems impossible, and all of life's challenges seem that much more daunting. I feel guilty for not being super-mom, for not loving every second, for wanting me-time, for not knowing all of the answers.

Mom guilt.

a new year

Before I was a mother, I was a singer. Before I was a mother, I was a teacher. Before I was a mother, I loved studying, writing, reading, and long debates over tall pints of beer. I grew up in dance classes, listening to show tunes, and dreaming of being on stage. I followed politics, and had a huge, bleeding heart for social causes and animal welfare. I was a vegetarian for 7 years, sang in a chamber ensemble, and became obsessed with Zumba. I liked new challenges, and became a marathon finisher. I wanted to change the world - well, if not the world, at least my community. I decided to study nonprofit management so that I could use my passion and desire to work hard to make a difference. I developed deep friendships, had a wonderful marriage, and the best fat cat anyone could ever ask for. 10 years went by before my husband and I had our son. I was ready for this next stage in my life, but I vastly underestimated how hard it would be on me, mentally and emotionally. 

Now I have an amazing little boy, who is almost 2 years old. I love him more every day - in a way that I could never fully explain. He amazes me with his intelligence, his humor, and his honesty. Raising a child has made me re-discover parts of myself long hidden, and it challenges me in new and unexpected ways. 

I struggled immensely during the first 3 months of his life. I knew I was dealing with some type of postpartum depression, but I started to feel like I was emerging from underwater after this 'newborn' stage. Since then, my emotions and stability seem to ebb and flow. I still have days where the old anxiety of the early months starts to rear its ugly head, and I have days where I just feel deeply sad and lonely. This is the first time in my life where I really feel that these emotions spin out of control. I've always been the one who has everything together. I'm organized, rational, and stable. So when I understand that my life is good, when I see the joy in my son's face, when I feel the support of my husband - and yet still drown in sadness - this is just not like me. 

In the end, I just don't have a sense of identity anymore. I am a mom, and that always comes first. It's tough to remember or make a point to do something for myself. I don't have time or resources to delve back into music or dance at the moment, and I have been unsuccessful in seeking satisfaction at work. Hence, this blog. As someone who used to keep a journal, I'm starting here. I think sharing some of my thoughts will help in a therapeutic sense, and I hope that others will read this and find some peace knowing they are not alone if they share these feelings. 

Happy new year, and thank you for reading.